disapointment understated

there are days on which i want to quit. days, where i think it is all meaning -less, and that the work is too difficult for me. this was one of those days.

it didn't exactly sneak up on me.. i have been seeing it comming. it's a story about willi, the guy who lived with us for six weeks. last week he came by while i was at street group, and was in an agressive mood. at one point he stormed out of corcken's room (where they were having Bible study) and when corcken went to see what was up, he caught willi red-handed with our food-bank in the hand, about to take out the 30euros. he told a story about his father not wanting to see him ever again. he was noticabley drunk, and admitted to having had a relapse. he also came on a stolen bike.

last night he was here again, and drunk again. he had a long conversation with corcken and it seemed like he was getting back on his feet. he even agreed to take the bike back, with corckens help, although obviously on something.

this morning he rang me out of bed. he'd not met corcken (he left home about 15 minutes before they were supposed to meet...) and was angry. we called corcken, and then he wouldn't leave. it took me an hour to get him out of the house (i was still in pjs and had slept 2 hours!), and he kept flipping between agressive (not physicly) and begging.

a few hours later, he was back at the door. moerssl was home, but totally unable to handle the situation. none the less, i backed out after a little while and left the guys to it. i dont like to work with guys when they are in a certain state. it's hard to explain, but a woman just kinda has a different perspective... and i didn't feel comfortable today. willi called corcken and yelled at him over the phone, threatening to steal his computer even. corcken was at his fiances around the corner, and he got heiko and the two of them came over. i dont think moerssl has ever been so happy to see heiko! they went out together for a cigareet and the yelling and begging continued. then willi again tried to get into the house for some money, and i said no. aparently i had some authority on my side this time, because he (unhappily) accepted it and left.

later tonight when i went to street group, i saw willi on the sielwall corner, buying drugs. i dont think he saw me, i had my parka on and turned so that my face was hidden.

ok, i know this is a bit long.. the day seemed even longer. keep in mind, in between i also had meetings with two others, then went to the offenbar to see my film on tv, then street group passed out socks and coffee through the entire city.... so i have been working for 16 hours now, have had one meal, slept 2 hours last night, it is 45 degrees F and raining. and this was, while a rather bad one, not that unusual. and so i find myself sitting here, wondering why in the world i chose this way of life?!?! (yes, i am groggy and negative.. deal with it.) maybe i'll most some of the good things that happened today. but.. not right now.