bitter birthday

today was hans birthday.
today was the longest and hardest day since i moved to bremen.
lilly and i were supposed to bring brunch for hans at 10, but when we got there he wasnt there. his cell phone was, though, so we couldnt call him. we decided to pray, then to clean up and get ready for the birthday party. we cleaned the bathroom (for the first time since he moved in in december!) and did the dishes, carried out three bags of trash and a box full of newspaper, made the bed, organized his papers, and aired the place out. then we sat down to brunch without him. lilly had to go to university, and so i went to find hans. i met a junkie girl in the bus who said she is usually at the doctors at the same time he is, so i went with her. she was able to find out for me that he hadnt been there yet, so i waited for him.

the next five hours were spent with him in the worst state i have seen him in-ever. he hadnt taken drugs, and he wasnt really drunk, but he was in bad shape. the voices were threatening him, saying that they were going to torture him to death and that today is his last day to live. he wanted to go get drunk and lay down to die. he really said it like that it made me think of the way animals go off into the woods to die. i kept praying and said i wouldnt let him do that, wouldnt let him surrender, not today. there are just days when you have to fight for someone. (i know that the rest of this story is extreme, and it is definately not the way i normally help people and even goes against my own recomendation for what is apropriate. but i had a deep feeling that this time i needed to be there and unwavering.)

i wrote a text-message to lilly and to my mentor asking for prayer and advice. when he thought i was distracted, he tried to lunge past me to get at a package of wine. i stepped in front of him and kicked it over, spilling half of it. he yelled and fussed at me, but he finally started walking (we were still ooutside the dr's- almost an hour later!) to the bus. on the corner he tried to take a drink, and i instinctively hit it out of his hand. the box fell to the ground and he didnt pick it up. i had kinda hit his eye, and quickly dried his face. apologizing for the small cut and that i was being so extreme, i reconfirmed that it is because i want the best for him. he was mad, and sat down. i sat and prayed with him until i had no more words. he kept saying "leave me alone to die. let me have my peace." then i turned to singing to God. we were sitting at the bus stop in the muslim part of town... it isnt necessarily the safest thing to do..

after about another hour i was able to get him into a bus home. i just kept praying we wouldnt get kicked out of the bus.. he was muttering the whole time and occasionaly crying out for me to leave him alone, cursing God, or talking to/about the demons. we made it home, and i got him to eat some. but he decided to go out again, all my pleading couldnt get him to stay home, he was determined to get drunk. at one point he tried to say goodbye forever so that i "wont have to watch him dye in tortured agony." so i said he should at least wait for me to get a coat. surprisingly, he waited. he spent hours trying to get away from me, but where he had his chance, he waited. thats a good sign of the inner fight he was going through.

he went through town and tried to beg enough money to get drunk. and i walked along beside him and told everyone not to give him anything. hehe. i was pretty arrogant to do so, and he was quite mad, but it worked. he finaly gave up and went to borrow the money from a friend, yelling at me at every corner to "stay" like a dog, and to leave him in peace. i tried to tell the friend not to give him anything, but hans slammed the door in my face. he got five bucks and went to buy a bottle of korn. thats a really hard liquer that is so disgusting even most alcoholics cant drink it pure. i begged him not to drink, but he took a long gulp of it and said "if i live past these few days, i swear ii will stop drinking, but for now let me be!" we walked to the next tram stop, and sat there awhile, me praying silently. i knew the quests would come soon to his party, and i needed to take the next train. it came and i stood up, and extended my hand, "come on, lets go home." he did.

when we got back to his place, i fell on the couch, too exhausted to even think. and listened to him begin to pray. to pray in that mad yet honest way that i see in davids psalms. telling God of the torture in his head, and of the peace he longs for, and then turning to ask God if He even can forgive him, and listing the things he had done wrong.. the prayer full of heart felt desire to be close to God, and his questioning of the suffering in his life. it made me cry to hear him. then he turned to singing along to the worship cd i had started in the background, and i gave him a big hug and told him how much God really does love him, and that he really is forgiven. the same stuff i had been saying all day, the same stuff i always say. this time he was able to find a small, very small bit of comfort in it.

by the time the guests came, it wasnt obviose how the day had begun. he was overwhelmed that at least 15 people had come to his (first ever) birthday party. among the gifts were a really old PC, a used bike, a diskman, books, cds, posters, and chocolate. it was impressive. we spent a good portion of time as a group in prayer for him, and blessed him. then we sang happy birthday, and he blew out his candles. as were were cleaning up and getting ready to go, he pulled me over and gave me a huge bear hug and said "thank you. thank you.. without you, this wouldnt have been so nice, it was a beautiful birthday because of you. thank you."