really dead

its been three weeks now since horst died, and i realized i never wrote about it. today its been haunting me a little more than usual, because it was a friday on which he died, shortly after cafe chance- like today. horst is- was i mean- on of the junkies that i worked with. i met him a little over a year ago as i was standing behind the train station with another jesus freak and he and his brother took shelter with us from the rain. after that i started seeing them alot, at caffe chance and the street group when we met out on the river, and when i passed out soup. they always had a good jab or funny comment and were a riot to have around. he had just decided on a christian therepy program and was all set to go.. he told us he just wants "one last run" before he goes.. on the same night he told us that, he died. it times like that that are really hard to pass over- the "ifs" and "whys" that invariably come, and the questions we will never have answered.. like how far had he gone with God.. had he made the choice? we dont know. he was reading the new testiment and seriously interested, but none of us had led him in prayer yet, and he hadnt told us of praying on his own.. horst leaves behind a brother (who was his roommate and best friend) and sister, both mid-forties, junkies, and living in bremen.

calling

"'this is your calling even if you dont like it.'
'i dont think i like it,' i said. 'i'm afraid.'
'there's nothing to be afraid of.'"

this is a quote taken entirely out of context from a book about indians in the rainforest. i say taken out of context because it was said to a boy about becoming a shaman, and i was struck by it... (kelly would continue to type his thoughts on the matter for the next page.. i dont have much to say.)

soul-care workshop

i had to translate the german word "seelsorge" that way.. its just such a funny word. in englisch we would say counseling or something. anyway, thats where i spent this past weekend. twice a year the Jesus Freaks have a training weekend for those of us who give counseling (yeah, we take this kinda stuff seriously).
it was a good weekend. especially a good time to talk and pray with friends i havent seen in awhile. i was able to think through some issues going on in brremen and really "tank" Gods peace.

back in bremen the war didnt let up, and sunday i come back into the middle of it.. the rest didnt last long.
i wish i had a fast-forward button to skip past the bad parts of life's film. but i really feel more like i am on pause right now.. going no where. or maybe things were rewound? the same battle being faught over and over and over (in surround sound)..

fire

last night i came back from work at the drug counseling center around 10pm to the smell of BBQ in the entire house. odd. and for some reason, my throat began to swell a bit and my head to throb. stranger yet, all the doors and windows were left wide open- despite temperatures around freezing.
lilly then told me what happened.. the people who have recently rented the ground level shop had a fire (suspected arson) on the one day in weeks they havent been there building stuff. lilly was at work and heard the three firetrucks, two police cars, and an ambulance drive by and ber coworker even joked "see they are going to your apartment." yeah, they were.
aparently a passer-by had noticed the build-up of smoke in the ground level (behind the paper-covered windows) and had called the german version of 911 and then rung all the door bells and yelled up the stairs for everyone to leave the building.
thanks to this passer-by no one was hurt- but imagine it had been a few hours later, as we slept! the entire house (our apartment is directly over the fire) was full of thick gray smoke because of the slow stewing manner the fire strted,. it still smells like burnt BBQ, and we had the door to the balcony open all night. (man did i freeze- slept with my sweatshirt hood tied shut over my head..)
so a praise to God that the fire was in the day when we weren't there (the firemen had said we would have died from carbon monoxide poisoning had we not gotten out). its a bit scary staying in this apartment now, though.. especially lilly is worried what might happen with more fires and all.. its a very old building. we just need to get into our house soon!

hard knock life

"Don't if feel like the wind is always howlin?
Don't it seem like there's never any light??
Once a day, don't you wanna throw the towel in?
It's easier than puttin' up a fight!"

ok, so i quoted a kids musical.. so what? it's one of those days. there just isnt a better way to say it. the theological debates and back-and-forths about what is and isn't right and what should and shouldn't be continue.

highlights from today (things said to/argued at me):

can a christian still be "possessed"? if he hears supernatural voices, what does it mean- he isnt a christian, or he's a lyer?

why do people need to be counselled? untill a hundred years ago there was no need.. why do we suddenly turn to it? that just shows how weak we are. but no matter how long you pull someone along, they need to really just fall and either they find christ in doing so, or they dont.

how can a christian still be dealing with addictions (of any kind)? they are living in disobiedience and either havent understood the will of God or are choosing to defy him. as soon as they have christ in their lives, if the conversion is real, they should immediately leave all else behind.

any thoughts out there? i realize these statements are balony. definatly. but dealing with very sincere, well meaning, very Bible based christians who have alot of Gods commands in their heads and little of his love in their hearts.... but who am i to talk... i am just a woman.

yours truly
little annie

pics

click on the fotos on the right.. i added alot to my flickr account. they are from mt 28:19 (the jesus freaks street evangelism weekend) and the offen:bar.

wo- man

so here is the issue i am battleing right now:
the role of the woman in church and leadership.
there are some hefty trash-bags full of the garbage people are throwing my way right now. so i take it to my blog as a forum for discussion. anyone have something to say t0o this topic?

living hope

martin made his decision last night.
he is not going to move into the hope house with us, at least not at first. he is still praying and considering whether he may move in at the end of the year. its not looking good. we need martin, really.

the vice of visas 2

well now..
after three tries, i got up this morning at 5:15 to assure getting a number to see about renewing my visa. i did get in... finally. and then they say "oh, it's too early to renew this, come back in 6-7 weeks." so at least i wasnt too late to renew it. and, for next time, i have an appointment. may 9th, 9:00 am. i dont like mornings much, but i like 9am alot better than 5am. so continue the prayers, but not the worrying... the lady made it seem like no big deal. (and she did tell me a few things it would be helpful to have with me that i didnt know about)

the vice of visas

well, its that time of year again- visa time.
please be praying this week for favor! i need to renew my visa and am hoping to recieve a longer one.
i still don't meet all of the requierments (like permanent residence and financial backing) so i need Gods supernatural help.

hope fulfilled

WE GOT IT!!!!!!!!!
yeahyeahyeah. so everything went better than expected. i mean, i know God is good, and i know God is faithful, and i know we felt His guidance..... but wow.. this was just straight out Him at His finest. the story:

there were a few impressions in advance.. it started with various Bible verses (ex 23:20, mark 10:29-30, psalm 23:6, heb 3:6...)
songs ("gott hat uns ein haus gebaut"- God built us a house, "our house in the middle of our street", the song i linked to in the previous post, "derbe krass"- i want to live with you, holy spirit, "god is in haus, and i cry his name up the stairs"...)
words from others who have been praying with us,
translation of tongues in prayer ("blessings will flow over this house, blessing will reside in the house, and from it blessings will flow")
and as we arrived, mörßl swallowed hard, then grinned really big and said "thats the house i dreamt of while i was still at home in saxony!"

so then the landlord showed us around the two men still hadnt seen the house, (mörßl even agreed to move in before seeing it) and talked to us about all the work that had been done on it (for the guys/dad: the basement had been resealed to prevent water damage, the attick windows were expanded, and the electronics rewired this year) (for the ladys/mom: they added security glass and locks, updated the kitchens, and painted with easy-clean paints)

as we set down to coffee, the talk was immediately about how long we will be renting the house. there was no delay, he gathered our information and gave us his. done deal. we can have it. so..

the catch??

yeah, there is one.. it isnt up for rent till june. we thought april or may at the latest... oh ha. i dont have a room right now, so it isnt very convienient for me. the others are ok with it (mörßl and martin-should he choose to move in- have three months time to cancel anyway out of their current rent situations)

so, pray still for martin's decision and for my "in between time." it is hard for me to be in limbo so long.

hope street 5

click on the link bar.
"all that i wanted was a home, and a home i found in you"

today we meet the landlord and all decisions will be made. its at Dallas time 10am. LA time 8am. so, if you're up that early, PRAY.